Sunday, October 27, 2013

10 more Monsters that deserve more Media Exposure

Halloween is almost here and the monsters are coming out of the woodwork once again. Last year I introduced you to 10 monsters a bit outside the mainstream. Odd ducks of monsterdom who nevertheless deserved some attention. Well after scouring mythology and folklore, I've found 10 more weirdoes ready to scare the pants off people. Without further ado,

10 more Monsters that deserve more Media Exposure



10. Spring-Heeled Jack


First appearing in the 1830s, Spring-Heeled Jack was a bizarre creature who would leap forth from alleys to attack teenage girls. In this way he became a sort-of weird rapist Batman, who ended up being hunted by the police and feared by the common people. Fanciful reports were sent in saying that Jack had blazing red eyes, bat wings and could spit blue fire. But his most defining features were his claws, which left distinct scratches on his victims, and his ability to make huge leaps over rooftops. It was like he had springs in his heels, hence the name. Jack disappeared in 1904 but his legacy lives on, being Victorian Britain's premier boogieman besides Jack the Ripper. But whether he was real or not, I think Jack's ready for a comeback. The pre-eminent molester of the past could make quite a mark in this era of blaming the victim and high-profile rape cases.

9. Bake-kujira


You have no idea how hard it was for me to choose just one Japanese monster. But I think I got a good one with the bake-kujira. The skeletal ghost of of a slaughtered whale, the bake-kujira rises out of the ocean accompanied by strange birds and fish to seek revenge on the fisherman who killed it. So think Blackfish, but the whale is Jason Voorhees. Besides from just looking fucking creepy, the bake-kujira digs right into the root of all horror. Guilt. Our monsters reflect our past sins that haven't been paid for. And because Japan is one of the few countries that still engage in whaling, it's not hard to put two and two together. Interesting footnote, in the early days of Japan whales were seen as gods. So when you caught one it was seen as a sign from heaven and the bones were given a proper burial befitting a god. Could an improper burial be the reason for the bake-kujira's fury?

8. Akhlut


While we're on the subject of whales, how about this beast from Inuit mythology? Not much is known about the akhlut except that it transforms from an orca whale into an enormous black wolf when it gets hungry. Whether this means it's a lycanthropic whale or just a weird spirit monster is unclear. But what is known is that it enjoys eating people and can be tracked by pawprints coming from the ocean. The Inuit considered any dog that wandered too close to the ocean to be evil for this reason. So if you see a big black dog on the beach, be wary. It could drag you under the icy water and make you into Shamu food.

7. Zmeu


From the Inuit North to Eastern Europe. The Zmeu is a Romanian monster, resembling a dragon man. You get all the fiery destruction of a dragon in the smart, compact form of a man. They're also intelligent, so the often varying levels of dragon intelligence aren't a problem. On top of that the Zmeu has magical powers and can use weapons. Shit. Any knight who goes up against this guy has his work cut out for him. Zmeus are meant as manifestations of greed and selfishness, usually stealing objects of great power and kidnapping young maidens, or are representative of foreign invaders. This in my opinion makes the Zmeu the perfect fantasy monster. Evil wizard, princess kidnapper and dragon all rolled into one? If every heroic knight isn't fighting a Zmeu by Monday I'll be dissappointed.

6. Shadow People


Ever get the feeling someone's watching you but no one's there? Then you may have encountered a shadow person. Strange paranormal entities resembling vaguely people-shaped shadows (duh), very little is known about shadow people. Like their cousin Slenderman they seem to flicker in existence on the edge of your vision. This flickering seems to be the key point of speculation with theories ranging from ghosts to interdimensional beings. The thing everyone seems to agree on is that the shadow people are trying to cross over into our world, but for what purpose is unknown. Shadow People make good monsters because it's such a basic fear. What you can't see can hurt you, and it being human is worse. It's like us but not, you can't tell if they're safe. Add the element of crossing over, and then there's the element of invasion from someplace that's other. It's very unsettling. Though some shadow people have made good careers reviewing pop songs online.

5. Mongolian Death Worm


Okay, so you know the giant sandworms from Dune? Apparently they're real. And spit acid. Sleep tight. In all seriousness, the Mongolian Death Worm is of debatable existence but is very real in its scariness. And it's not hard to see why. It's gigantic, spits acid, and can discharge electricity. Not to mention it's bright red with black teeth oozing gross venom. Everything about this thing seems designed to make you never want to set foot in Mongolia. So the next time you laugh at your copy of Tremors, remember. Those could be real and a thousand times worse.

4. Popobawa


What is it with monsters raping people? The Popobawa here is an African monster, a red-skinned cyclops with bat wings. And he doesn't eat people or steal stouls. No, he breaks into people's homes during the night and butt-fucks them. Mostly dudes. Seriously. But to make things even weirder, Popobawa is also a shapeshifter who turns into a man during the day, only attacks people who doubt his existence and freezes his victims with his gaze. So he can butt-fuck them. Oh, and afterwards you're supposed to tell people Popobawa has butt-fucked you or he'll do it again. Zanzibar WTF? So for its sheer weirdness, Popobawa makes the list. Shine on you crazy butt-fucking diamond.

3. Ghillie Dhu


He speaks for the trees. Yes, the Ghillie Dhu of Scotland is a guardian of the forests. But unlike the Lorax is giant, green and is a bit more pro-active. Instead of just lecturing the Wuncler he would have kicked that dude's ass. Covered in moss and black-haired, the ghillie dhu mostly wants to be left alone. He's noted for his kindness to children, his shyness and love of birch trees, so he isn't all bad. I see him more as a loveable monster, like the Hulk. The ghillie dhu is only dangerous if you piss him off or hurt his trees. So give a thought to the Scottish Swamp Thing next time you drink a birch beer.

2. The Hodag.


A ferocious beast from the most terrible place imaginable, Wisconsin. A creature of unknown origins, the Hodag was discovered by local Eugene Shepard in 1893 who stopped it from feeding on its food source of white bulldogs. In fact all we know of the hodag comes from Shepard, who required several other men and dynamite to finally kill it. He captured another one later, but was forced to admit it was a hoax when the Smithsonian announced they wanted to study the creature. So yeah, the hodag is fake. But he still makes for a great visual and if we can get a bunch of shit centered on the Mothman, I think the Hodag could carry at least one movie. Plus, his name is fun to say.

1. The Flatwoods Monster.


On the night of September 12, 1952, a group of West Virginian children witnessed what they claimed was a UFO crash into their neighbor's farm. They returned home and got their mother to investigate. At the farm, they found a stinging mist and encountered the glowing eyes of the creature above. It emitted a shrill hiss and glided away from the panicking group. The witnesses later reported nausea, vomiting, and burning eyes and throat. Sounds like a ghost story? Well, it actually happened. And the Flatwoods monster (named after the town where the sighting occured) has become one of the most infamous close encounters of all time. And though the story is sketchy at best, the monster usually explained as an owl, the singularly unique appearance of the alien has ingrained it in public memory. With all the hallmarks of a cool monster; unique look, signature attack and strange after-effects, the Flatwoods Monster deserves to be as well known as the Greys.

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