Monday, April 23, 2012

Top 10 Star Wars Aliens

I am a huge Star Wars fan, going back to the Special Editions. There's something just so fun and entertaining about the mix of old-school swashbuckling, mythic archetypes, and retro pulp sci-fi. And one thing Star Wars does great is aliens. Unlike say Star Trek where most of the aliens are just regular people with bumpy foreheads, Star Wars has aliens that look, well, alien. I mean just look at the first movie. in that we had gibberish-spouting desert midgets, hairy gorilla-bear guy, whatever the hell that thing in the Death Star's trash compactor was.

So in honor of that, I am proud to present the first in a new recurring series...

The Top 10 Star Wars Aliens

10. The Nightsisters



or, Space Witches. This one of the things that is great about Star Wars. That for all of the droids and spaceships, at heart it's an old medieval romance. And what sort of romantic fantasy would be complete without a few witches here or there. And that's where these gals come in. They fill this little niche of weirdness. That between the high flung towers and temples of the Jedi and the secret places where the Sith gather, there are these little corners of the galaxy where myth and superstition still hold sway. Where the unexplained is looked as magic and not science. And the less you know about it, the more it'll come back to bite.

9. The Acklay


There is a moment in every Star Wars movie (except Revenge of the Sith) known as the "creature moment". You know, the Dianoga in A New Hope, the Wampa in Empire Strikes Back, The Sarlacc in Return of the Jedi, etc. This usually doesn't have much to do with the overall plot other than to put another obstacle in front of our heroes. But it does give the design department an excuse to make a cool monster. And the Acklay is a cool monster. I remember seeing Attack of the Clones for the first time and thinking this thing was awesome. It was the toughest of all the arena monsters and it wasn't going to stop until it killed Obi-Wan. Even after the arena was flooded with Jedi, droids, and clones this thing was still trying to kill him. Definitely one of my favorite things about that movie's ridiculous climax.

8. The Space Slug


Remember that "creature moment" I was talking about? This is the best one. It just has great buildup. We think our heroes are safe in this cave when suddenly these bat-things attack the Millenium Falcon. They go out to investigate and a stray shot causes a quake. Han realizes something. And they bolt as fast as they can. Flying out of the creature's maw at the last moment. So iconic. Quick, simple, unexpected and leads to an unforgettable image. (plus, it's just a cool idea).

7. The Zillo Beast


The Zillo Beast is a good example of what TV Tropes terms the Outside Context Villain. I mean you don't expect Jedi to go up against a giant monster. That's more of a job for the Japanese Military. But that's why I love it. It shows the guys making this show are just as nerdy as I am. You get to be one of the lucky bastards to work on the Star Wars cartoon and you spend two episodes homaging Godzilla? You get my support. That combined with its wonderfully strange design (seriously how do you grow an arm out of your back?) gets a spot on the list.

6. Jabba the Hutt

Hutts are gross. Morbidly obese slug gangsters oozing God knows what sort of awful slimes. The fact that these guys are a galactic power speaks to how alien the Star Wars galaxy is. But Jabba and his ilk are good because they provide a different kind of bad guy. Unlike the Empire or the Sith, motivated by ideologies, Jabba is just a fat greedy bastard. He just wants money and entertainment. His girth and apathy kind of embody his own materialism. Plus, without him we never would have seen Princess Leia in her slave girl outfit and the world would be a far bleaker place.

5. Ewoks


I've never gotten why people hate Ewoks. Yeah, they're cutesy but they still kick ass. I know, the whole "tree-dwelling teddy bears couldn't beat the most heavily-armed military in the galaxy" thing. But that's looking at in a real-world context and Star Wars isn't the real world. It's a fantasy. So I can accept that the less technologically advanced Ewoks can defeat the Empire. Besides, the Empire isn't exactly noted for its military prowess. So yeah, I like Ewoks. How can you not? They're adorable. The Galaxy's version of the internet must be filled with Lolwoks. They are that adorable.

4. Greedo


"Koona tu chuta, Solo?" When I was first saw this guy back in 1997, It nearly blew my tiny 6-year old mind. There were all these aliens and this one was talking. Talking in alien! It was also the first time I can remember seeing subtitles. That was one of the good things about Greedo. He established that, unlike other sci-fi movies, these aliens were more or less as smart as humans. They also had their own language and didn't just speak in buzzy electronic English. The other good thing, establishing Han Solo's character. He was the perfect bad guy alien. Green skin, big black eyes, antennae, talking with a snout thing. So we didn't mind when Harrison Ford shot the son of a bitch. Thank you Greedo for being a small but integral bit of worldbuilding.

3. Twi'leks



Ah yes, Twi'leks. It wouldn't be science fiction if we didn't have a sexy alien species. What the Orion slave girls were to Star Trek, Twi'leks are to Star Wars. It's something about the combination of skimpy outfits, rainbow of skin colors and head tails that give us Star Wars nerds a, uh, "stirring in the Force". But that's not to say Twi'leks are all about the sexy-sexy. After all, Aayla Secura is a Twi'lek and she's a strong, smart, capable Jedi Knight. And if the Clone Wars is anything to go on, Twi'leks are expert guerilla fighters. All these things and the fact that as far as I can tell they're the second most prolific species in the galaxy, is enough for me to put them here in the top three. Oh, and as if they weren't sexy enough, Clone Wars went and gave all of them French accents. God damn.

2. Chewbacca


Chewie is awesome. There is no arguing with this. Just look at all his good qualities. He's big, strong, loyal, good with a blaster, can fix a spaceship, and you know he gives great hugs. He's like your best friend and your dog rolled into one. Sure, he has a bit of temper and lets his stomach get the better of him, but that just endears him to us more. If you're in a fight, you know you'd want Chewie on your side. He's so cool he's buds with Yoda. That's how great Chewie is. So let's give it up for Han Solo's number one bro.

And he can play baseball


1. Yoda


As if it could be anyone else. Yoda is my number one Star Wars alien for a few reasons. First of all, he ties back into the Star Wars as fantasy idea. Luke, the young knight, is sent by his mentor into a dark (possibly magic?) forest to seek a wise wizard. Yoda is that wizard. Or more accurately, he's an elf wizard. His design is clearly meant to echo those creatures of folklore, what with the pointy ears and green skin and living in the swamp. Second, he's a wise old mentor and I love those kind of characters. Guys like Gandalf, Dumbledore, Merlin and the like. All wizards, just like Yoda. These are the guys who get to drop those fun little idioms and koans and show off the most powerful magic (or Force powers in this case). Is Yoda lifting the X-wing not the same as Gandalf's fireworks or Dumbledore changing the house banners in the great hall? And like those guys, Yoda has a fight with the big bad mid-way through the story. Third, he's a Muppet and who doesn't like Muppets? Yeah, I bet you didn't know Yoda shares a voice actor with Miss Piggy. And it's that muppetiness of his design that makes Yoda look wise, adorable, and badass. All that adds up to make Yoda the number one Star Wars alien.

Well, that's my first top 10 list. Keep watching this spot for more dear reader. And if you have a suggestion for a nerdy top 10 list, share in the comments below. 

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