Even if you don't celebrate Christmas, I think we can all agree on spreading generosity and good will toward men. And there's no greater symbol of generosity than the big fat man himself, Santa Claus. Now as I write this, good ol' St. Nick is making his yearly trip around the world. Delivering presents to all good children. Hope you made the nice list all.
But, did you know that much like that other great spirit of Christmas, John McClane, Santa is a complete and total badass? It's true. While he's a jolly old guy most of the time, Santa isn't afraid to throw down when the occasion warrants. So in the spirit of the season, I'm proud to present...
The Top 10 Reasons Santa is a total badass
10. He's a member of the Justice League
Yes sir, back in the 90's Santa was officially inducted into the ranks of the World's Greatest Heroes. And despite some lame ducks here and there (Vibe, Bloodwynd) the JLA has a pretty high standard for membership. And you can't say the fat man hasn't earned what with his array of magical superpowers like lightspeed travel and super strength. Or the fact that every year he braves the firepits of Apokolips to bring coal to Darkseid. Any coworker of Batman's has to be a total badass.
9. He has an evil robot duplicate
Not to be outdone by their rivals crosstown, Marvel upped the ante by creating an evil robot version of Kris Kringle. Made from the husk of longtime Avengers Ultron, Santron was created by a brilliant roboticist to bring presents to children. Unfortunately, Ultron tends to put deep programming into all his bodies and sure enough Santron deviated from his merry mission so he could kill the Avengers. Santa himself didn't aid in his defeat, The Avengers themselves handled it with explosive cookies, but I've no doubt he could have. And one day, he may have to. For like all evil robot duplicates, Santron will rise again. Like Mechagodzilla.
8. He was the original Batman
Continuing our comic book kick, Santa shares some background with his buddy Bruce Wayne. Before he was the magical gift deliverer we all know and love, Santa was just Nicholas (later Saint) of Myra. And like Bruce Wayne, he came from money. Yep, Nicholas had rich parents and they died. But from the plague, not criminals. Orphaned, Nicholas ran away to his uncle's monastery which was illegal in the Pre-Christian Roman Empire Nicholas grew up in. So this was basically Santa's version of training with Ra's al Ghul's ninjas. After that he embarked on the same quest as Batman, dressing up in a silly costume and doing anonymous good deeds in the middle of the night. Though with less punching than Batman. Usually.
7. He beat up Greek Leatherface
One of the best known stories of the pre-Santa St. Nicholas is this story. Three kids were playing off in the middle of nowhere. On their way home they got lost and found an old butcher shop. They asked the old butcher for help and he murdered them and stuffed their bodies in his salting tube (to keep the meat fresh). Tell me that doesn't sound like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I bet that that butcher had a creepy serial killer flesh mask too. Anyway, seven years later St. Nicholas shows up at the butcher's house and tells him to show him the salting tub. Presumably, an epic fight ensued. After beating the butcher senseless, St. Nicholas found the salting tub and raised the dead kids from the dead. Some say he channeled the power of God, but I think God did it to avoid getting his own ass kicked.
6. He has a goddess for an arch-nemesis
As I established above, St. Nick had a tendency to kick ass for the Lord in his early days. And once he kicked ass so hard it pissed off an Olympian god. See St. Nicholas started his sainting duties only a little while after Constantine converted the Roman Empire to Christianity, so there were still a lot of pagans running around worshipping their old gods. Being kind of a dickish Christian back then, St. Nicholas wouldn't have any of that shit. Since he lived in Greece, he stormed into the Temple of Artemis and destroyed the place. Naturally Artemis was pissed. And given that she once turned a guy into a stag and had his own hunting dogs eat him for accidentally peeping on her bathing, Her revenge wouldn't be pretty. She spent the rest of his life trying to kill him, sending all kinds of demons and monsters after him. In the end, she may have actually killed him too. But like The Avatar, You can't keep a good Claus down.
5. He's a goddamn Highlander
In case you didn't know, the Highlander franchise is about a group of immortal warriors who meet each other in mortal combat, gaining the loser's power until only one immortal remains. How does this relate to Santa? It doesn't really, I just wanted an excuse to put that video up. But Santa is immortal, make no mistake. In L. Frank Baum's The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus, Santa as a baby is found by Ak, Master Woodsman of the World. Ak is one of a secret group of immortals who after a life of service decide to make Santa the first human made immortal. But this one of the many conflicting origins of Santa. Which one is right? Is he the Saint of Myra? The child of immortals? Odin returned?(we'll get to that in a sec)
Well, if you'll indulge me, I have a theory. All of them are true. How? Because Santa isn't immortal in the conventional sense. He doesn't live forever, he reincarnates forever. Like the Buddha. When one Santa dies, another is born. Taking over the duties and powers of Santa. Just my theory anyway.
4. He's the reincarnation of Odin
Here. You're going to want to read this comic.
If Santa does reincarnate, it had to start somewhere. And most scholars agree that most of our ideas about Santa originate with the Norse God Odin. I'll just save time and say read the above comic. But something interesting happened after Europe converted to Christianity. Traditional celebrations of Odin and the Winter Solstice in the Netherlands continued but to make them palatable to the Church, they were combined with the feast of St. Nicholas. This fusion of Odin and St. Nick gave birth to a new figure called Sinterklaas. This is probably why our current Santa is less of violent Jesus freak like the original Nicholas of Myra. But while he was nicer, Sinterklaas was no less badass than his predecessors. But we'll get to that in a sec. Incidentally, Santa's relation to Odin explains how he keeps track of our behavior. Odin had two ravens, Thought and Memory, who flew around the world gathering information for him. When he transformed into Sinterklaas, these ravens became imps (or elves) who listened at chimneys and reported their findings back to him.
3. He tamed the Krampus
If you've spent time online around Christmas, you've probably heard of the Krampus. But in case you haven't... The Krampus is a Germanic spirit who looks like a hairy demon. He has goat horns, a long red tongue and cloven feet. Sinterklaas found this thing attacking children and using his mighty magic, enslaved it his power. Ever since, The Krampus rode along with him on Christmas Eve and while Sinterklaas gave the good children presents, the Krampus would punish the naughty children by whipping them with birch rods and rusty chains. I'm not sure, but I think this may be where the idea of Santa's naughty and nice division came from. And the absolute worst children would be tossed into a wicker basket on his back and dragged down to hell. That's how Sinterklaas rolled y'all. And while the Krampus no longer rides along, his subservience is a testament to Santa's badassness.
2. Tolkien and Lewis knew he was awesome.
The two writers who cemented Epic Fantasy both realized Santa was a force to be reckoned with. C.S. Lewis famously included him in The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe as the first sign that the White Witch's stranglehold on Narnia was loosening and giving the heroes the present of weapons! Only badasses give swords as gifts. As for Tolkien, he wrote an entire book about Santa. The Father Christmas Letters, which he wrote for his children, recounted the tale of Santa leading an army of elves and polar bears against the forces of evil goblins. And not the usual Tolkien elves like Legolas either. No, the usual tiny toymaking elves. Awesome.
1. He survived this
'Nuff said.
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